My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Randomize
