I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
