Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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