so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
