I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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