Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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