Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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