my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
