she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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