Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
