So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
