a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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