She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
