Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I am morally bankrupt
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize
