Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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