worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
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