So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
only you would photoshop your dick
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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