All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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