You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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