The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
