yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
