i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Boobs are out for the taking
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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