I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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