This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
