Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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