walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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