The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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