i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
