Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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