There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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