i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
