the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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