I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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