I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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