Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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