batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
