A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
