My Higher Power is John Stamos
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
