I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
