I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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