Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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