so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
