shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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