Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
