Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
