so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
operation harelip BJ is a go
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
they call him Oral-B. enough said
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
