Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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