I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
