what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
