Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
